Atop his noble Segway, he segues ‘tween the gags.
A man, a myth, a legend—a mall cop and a dad.
Chasing crooks and shoplifts down that long linoleum road.
His heroic nature is why I compose this ode.
O Blart of Blarts, O Lord of Farts, O Guardian of Malls.
Surveyor of the kiosks, rotund rider through the halls.
He will inhale the nachos into his majestic maw,
protect his daughter, get the girl, and lay down heaps of law.
In honesty, I don’t recall the plot of either film.
They’re not my favourite movies that Sir Kevin James is in.
I actually dislike him, as an actor and a guy.
But on the wings of Blart, I know this human race can fly.
Praise him and be free.
Global Blartic unity.